11/09/2015 – REMORSE

“Are you even remorseful for what you’ve done?” Remorse… deep regret… a painful regret for the things that I’ve done. How else can I show the pain I feel inside for the shit that I’ve done. The shit that I put my husband through again. What more can I do? What more do I have to say?  I think about my mistakes everyday… every hour… every minute… I’m reminded by my foolish and selfish acts… My infidelity… my lies… my dishonesty.

I should have been stronger.

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10/28/2015 – HOPE (A.M.)

This morning was much better than yesterday’s. Got up at 5:00 am again. Restless. Tossing. Turning.

I have so many emotions running through my bones. There’s so much going on… Exorcism. I feel like an exorcism is a must. It’s that feeling when you know there’s something wrong and something needs to be done. That if you are able to pull every single wrongdoing, issue, problem, haunting, and even the good things, I would give anything to do so right away. But I know there’s meaning behind this… That maybe I’m unable to do so because there is a lesson to all of this… from each wrongdoing, from each issue and problem, from every haunting that you thought no longer exists, the good things that have happened in the past and the present. Embrace. I just need to embrace this… Learn.

In the past, when something happens between my husband and I, I’ve always tried to push to resolve the issue right away. I’m learning that it’s always not the right solution. I told him late last night to please do not confuse my inability to respond to his email right away or have comments about it because this time around, I feel like it’s far bigger than a quick solution. That our relationship is valuable and that my current state requires more time to fully embrace what has happened not just with the recent past but the past that includes childhood, to young adulthood, up to my present state. I told him that I needed to embrace the entire picture and find the root(s) of my issues, why I did what I did, why I continue to do the things I do, and wha I need to do moving forward not just for our relationship but mostly for myself. What good is a beautiful majestic Architectural Digest home when the homeowner is not capable of maintaining it’s integrity?  He gladly understood and told me that take as much time as I need. And I again pointed out that it is my intention to do so and will require much longer time than the usual that he’s accustomed to.

So I reached out for his arm while we were still in bed this morning. His warm, hairy arms always bring so much comfort to me.  I held that arm for a few minutes… I then turned to the other side because I didn’t want to wake him up too much because he’s not the usual early bird and there was a part of me that was being selfish because I needed some comfort.  Right when I turned to my other side, I felt his hand reaching for my hand. We held hands for a few minutes… until he decided to switch his sleeping position. After a few minutes of non-contact, I noticed a dimmed light and turned to face him. We was facing the other direction and the light was coming from his iPhone. I then felt the need to reach out to him so I got behind him and spooned. Wrapped my upper arm around him and he held my hand. We did this for a few minutes until he decided to switch positions.

My husband then whispered to me “You know you can tell me anything and everything will be ok…” Then the emotions and thoughts, the hurt and the revelation that I’ve been having these past few days hit me in the gut. I then started to cry because I was full of emotions… emotions of love and hurt… of realization and acceptance… I then told him “I know and I want to tell you everything…” But it’s going to require me some time because I want to make sure I don’t leave anything out and that our relationship is very valuable to me so I want to make sure I invest the time, care and effort to this because it’s the most important thing in my life.

The tears started to flow…and I started to vocalize some of what I’m feeling… “I’m afraid… I’m lost… I’m found… I’m afraid of being judged… I’m lonely, I’m hurt, I feel alone…” Then my husband immediately hugged me even tighter and said “I’m here… Let me help take care of you…”  We stayed in that position until the alarm clock went off… both of us had it at 6:30 am and they were in sync just like he and I were with this moment.

This morning gave me hope… Personal hope… I still don’t know if my husband will stick around but the hope that I feel is that I know I’m going to get better… Hopeful about MY future.

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10/27/2015 – HELLO

So last night was rough… My husband and I slept right next to each other. He was on his side and I was on mine. The dog slept between us for a while but decided to jump down and sleep on his bed a few hours later. The bed then felt really large… larger than the Cal King size we currently have. I honestly didn’t get any sleep because I was practically awake all night long… tossing and turning… wanting to be close to him. Then the dog started to wheeze for about 15 mins… decided to jump on the bed and wheezed some more this time taking comfort by my side.  This even made it harder for me because somehow he was comforted by me but I wasn’t feeling comforted at all. But I sought comfort from my faithful companion… the pooch who loves me unconditionally. Something is always better than nothing.

This morning was hard… I thought maybe after a good night’s rest, things would be a little better. I woke up at 5 am with the dog curled up next to me and my husband still feeling like he’s a million miles away though he was just on the other side of the bed. I instantly had the urge to want to be close to him.  I rested my hand on him hoping to get some body language, an idea of how he was feeling… I then got right behind him when he decided to face the other direction. I did get the message… that he wasn’t ready to reach back to me because he kept moving away from me. Though I feel rejected, I totally understand and don’t blame him for this. He’s hurt. I also gave myself credit for honoring my emotions and what I wanted to do despite of the response (or lack thereof). Again, totally understandable.

He got up, got ready for work and I stayed in bed because I wasn’t quite ready to take the dog for a walk yet.  He left without saying goodbye which was hard because that’s always our usual routine. I did get up as soon as I heard him close the door because I wanted to catch a glimpse of him as he drives away. I laid there for another 15 minutes after he left then finally got up and decided to feed the dog then take him on his morning walk. I decided that maybe listening to music would help me get out of this funk… so I pre-ordered and purchased Adele’s upcoming album knowing that I’ll be able to listen to her new song “Hello.” (Yeah, what was I thinking? Adele? Get me out of my funk when all she sings about are heartaches, breakups, etc. which is totally opposite of my intention…)

So after the walk, I got ready for work and decided to listen to Adele’s “Hello” all day long. Before I left, I grabbed my wedding ring and noticed that my husband’s ring was not in our usual spot… that he took it with him and actually wore it this morning.

There was even a point where I posted the music video on my Facebook wall but decided to delete it because I didn’t think it was right and appropriate. I wanted to sincerely embrace the moment that I am going through and getting distracted with my friend’s “Likes” or “Comments” does not accomplish what I really needed to do.

So all day long, I was listening to “Hello” chatted a bit with my best friend because she was checking in on me to see how I’m feeling.  I was on and off with my thoughts because I still had to juggle my long busy day with two meetings today. At around 2 pm, Adele’s voice and the lyrics to “Hello” really hit me. If you listen to the words, you would think it’s about her past break up… But with me, it actually expresses my current state. That the song is actually about me coming to terms with my unresolved issues about my lying problem which obviously resurfaced… I started listening to it again for the 30th time… and the words just jump at me again:

“Hello, it’s me… I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet… to go over everything they say that time’s supposed to heal ya but I haven’t done much healing… Hello, can you hear me… I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be… when we were younger and free… I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet…”

Somehow I felt that this was my moment to come to terms and finally resolve my issues… to embrace what has happened in its entirety. So I decided to just start typing things down… Moments from my past… my present… my future… An hour of self revelation I stopped because I had a meeting in our conference room. I then received an email from my husband while I was in a meeting… I couldn’t focus because all I wanted to do is read his message.  I started reading it briefly but the words were just going so fast… I started to scroll down to the bottom looking to see if the words “Sorry, I can’t do this anymore…” would be there. So I had to stop and gather myself. I told myself, “let’s read this one word at a time” I didn’t respond to him because that’s something that I would have done right away in the past. This time around I told myself that I needed to honor my feelings, emotions, and thoughts because things were just going so well for me that I didn’t want his message to distract me and my flow.  So after my meeting, I continued typing my thoughts down.

“So hello from the other side… I must have called a thousand times… to tell you I’m sorry for everything I’ve done… but when I call you never seem to be home…”

It hit me… this journey… that this song is my journey… that the words speak of how I continue to not allow myself the love that I truly deserve. That I need to love myself… Then I completely understand the causes of my lies… the urges… the need… and how I need to stop… that I need to develop a plan of action on what I need to do.  That I know I cannot promise that I won’t lie ever again but I can sure lessen or prevent it from happening. That I need to make an effort not just for my relationship but also for me.  But this time around, I feel I’m more equipped and ready to tackle my problem. That somehow I had this epiphany… a message… a sign.

I got home at around 630ish and decided to feed and walk the dog. I noticed that my husband was not home yet… After getting back from the walk, I decided to think about my feelings, thoughts, and emotions again sand started to type this post.  He got home came to the room and I told him “Hi! Got your email… I have started putting things down that I’d like to discuss with you…” he then told me “I’d like to eat first so can we talk about it after?” and I then responded “Actually, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it tonight because I want to fully embrace everything before I share them with you.” Which he agreed… Again, I just want to honor myself, my feelings and emotions, my thoughts… In the past, I would want to discuss it right away so that we can get back to a better place but this time around, I want to be able to process it… to honor myself and my thoughts… and to start respecting myself and completely love me for who I am.  I promised myself that I will go on my pace. If it takes me until tomorrow to share with him, so be it. He deserves the respect and me not putting my entire whole into my words just shows I don’t respect him. I want to focus and really put a lot of effort to the message he sent me this afternoon because he deserves that.

“Hello from the outside… at least I can say that I tried… to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart but it don’t matter, it doesn’t tear you apart anymore…”

I suddenly feel good about today… That finally I’m coming to terms with my issues and what I need to do moving forward. As crazy as it may sound but this song is helping me forgive myself, love myself, respect myself so that I can be a better person and a better husband.

So that’s it for now… I just finished typing this. I need to eat then go back to my project…

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10/26/2015 – HURT

It’s been a few years since I’ve written… Most would say that it’s probably a good thing. I wish it were the case. I’ve learned that I should have continued with my posts… My accomplishments and failures, my ups and downs, my something-ness and nothing-ness… Everything.  I should have done so but instead I got way too over my head.

I lied… again. Will I continue to lie? I don’t know. It would be foolish of me to say that I will never lie again. I would be lying to myself.  But tonight, I learned a valuable lesson. “I can’t say I will never lie again but I can do something about it before it turns into a lie…”

Tonight definitely was a lesson… At the expense of my husband’s feelings. I wish his feelings were spared simply because he’s a great man. I recall posts from psychforums.com where people who suffer from compulsive lying say “yup, I did it again! I lied to my other half.” I recall some posts were their lying broke their relationship… That’s something that I don’t want to happen to me. I love my husband and I know he loves me. All I know is that I can no longer hurt him when I lie to him.

My husband told me tonight that I don’t have any reasons to lie to him. That’s true. It hurt me so much to see him cry… Not because he’s angry at me for lying to him but because he is hurt that I lied to him. He also pointed out that maybe the reason why I lie is because I’ve kept a lot of things “hidden” all my life… From my childhood to which I have obviously carried to my present adulthood. But when… When am I going to tell myself that I no longer need to hide things… He married me for God’s sake this past summer! What more can he do? That itself put things in perspective… Why did something like this have to happen so I can open my eyes.

My best friend also shared her unbiased opinion… After I shared with her how badly I feel and how I’m at a point where my marriage is at risk, she told me that she would do everything she could to support my marriage… That’s when I realized that I NEED TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO SUPPORT MY MARRIAGE.

How does one stop from lying? Is it even possible? Is it realistic to say that “I will never lie again… EVER!” im talking about any kind of lie like when someone asks you how you’re doing today and most people say “I’m good! Or “I’m fine thanks!” What I’ve learned tonight is that I can prevent lying before it actually happens. That I can lessen the chances of me lying by preventing it right from the start. Tonight, I learned the root of my lies…

Things to remember:

  1. When you know something that should be shared which will cause you, have the urge, or tempted to lie to your significant other / spouse / friend / family member / or anyone, be upfront and honest about it.
  2. When you did something wrong, be the first one to confess and be honest about it
  3. When you think you’re doing (even something that starts innocent) be honest about it
  4. Anyone who suffers from lying should focus on one thing at a time. We get so distracted with so much with our “to do list” and continue to add things to it, does not help…
  5. Multi-tasking can be your worse enemy. Take a breather and accomplish things one at a time. Do things at my own pace.

I need to take myself out of situations where I push my own back against the wall which then led me to lie. Tomorrow is a new day… It’s a new opportunity for me to do what it takes to support my marriage… I have a lot to prove to myself so that I can be the best person (and husband) that I can be.

until then…

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07/06/13 – WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU

“You didn’t think that I’d come back
I’d come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I’m not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I’m finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end…

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”

Kelly Clarkson

07/05/13 – STUMBLE…

I’ts been a few months since I’ve posted something. I’ve had my reasons… For a while there, things were going great and I thought that I would wait to document my experiences to see how long I can keep this positive progress going. These past few weeks have been really good. I’ve had so much positive progress these past few weeks that it actually helped me stay focused with projects around the house, the rental property closing escrow in a few weeks, as well as my relationship.  It’s been a while since I’ve felt so good and positive…

Stumble… I think the word itself is form-fitting. With all the positive progress these past few weeks including not lying, not exaggerating (I read that exaggerating leads to lies), communicating with my beloved much better, overcoming the “Thursday Curse,” and being really focused at work and projects around the house, I felt kinda invincible. I felt that nothing can go wrong… Until this past holiday weekend.  I lied twice this past week… I thought about it all last night as I lay next to my beloved who I obviously hurt because he caught me lying yesterday… My emotions and thoughts are all over the place right now because I’m still trying to process the events that took place, what caused me to lie, what triggered it, how I handled myself, what I’ve learned, how to solve my beloved’s issue about my action and how it made him feel, and what I need to do in the future all at the same time. One of the many things I learned last night after reading Psych Forums is to write things down one at a time… so here’s my attempt:

The Events That Took Place…

Regarding my lies that took place this week… The first lie took place Saturday night. My beloved planned an early birthday trip and decided to go to show. He discovers that one of his friends and her girlfriend were at the same show that we were attending. Here’s how it went down… His friend lives in the the town that we were visiting and catching the show. We didn’t tell anyone that we were going to be there for my birthday getaway. My beloved was at a panic because he was afraid of bumping into them on the other hand, I was ok if we bumped into them plus the theater was big enough and I’m sure we wouldn’t have bumped into them but he kept saying “What if they are seated next to us?” I sincerely didn’t mind about not telling them that we were visiting  because I think there’s less pressure for me since they’re friends but they’re more his friends. Long story short, we decided to just tell them that this was an impromptu surprise trip… which was  a lie.  We figured out where they were seated and decided to approach them… gave hugs, etc. and they asked how long we were staying in town, what we’re doing, etc. I looked to my beloved and I looked at them… my mouth started to open and the lie just came out with me responding “Well, my beloved decided to surprise me as an early birthday present and got on the road today to catch the show! We’ve been so busy these past few weeks most especially me so he decided to surprise me with this event.” Long story short, I didn’t have to say that. I could have just let him take the lead. He didn’t ask me to lie. I take full responsibility with my action and what I’ve done.  At the end of the evening, everything was ok but deep inside, I felt two emotions… One: Got away with the lie (or maybe not, I’m sure they knew we were lying to them) and Two: I felt guilty for lying to his friends who have been nothing but good to me and every time they’re in our town (or nearby), they make the effort to reach out to us. I don’t know why I felt the duty to bite the bullet for both of us. I could have just kept my mouth shut since it was my beloved’s idea for the trip. I think it’s the sense of responsibility that I have… how I feel that others depend on me on certain occasions to take the lead or make decisions.

Lie Number Two took place yesterday while having lunch with my mom, my aunt and my beloved. My aunt and I were discussing about dogs and how she’s been watching after her son’s dogs and a doggie sitter came on the days that she’s unable too. I told her that I’ve also done doggie sitters and doggie daycares for my pooch but my pooch has been lucky enough to have traveled with me as my sidekick. He’s been to Palm Springs, San Diego, San Francisco, Chicago, etc.  Then the lie came out… “Oh, he’s also been to Hawaii…” My dog has never been to Hawaii. He has his paperwork completed but I’ve never taken the pooch to the islands. He looks at me because and asks “He’s been to Hawaii?” and I responded back with “Yeah, he’s been there…” OMG, I felt horrible for lying to my beloved, my mom, my aunt… What kills me is that I’ve lied. It’s an inexplainable feeling. My gut was turning, my heart was aching, my brain was telling me “Why did you lie?” I felt the SHAME. So we got home after lunch and I decided to park myself in the living room to gather my thoughts, my feelings and emotions and process why I did what I did.  I also wanted to take the time and figure out how I can approach my beloved and admit to my lie.  I was pacing back and forth because he was in the bedroom and I knew he knew that I knew that I lied to him.  I knew that I need to fess up to my lie.  So I went to the bedroom to join him. He was on his phone playing Sudoku and I asked “Are you ok?” he responds back with “Yeah, I’m ok.” I started to rub his head as I lay there and he decided to turn his body and face the wall to be away from me. So I decided to text him… Overall, he’s upset and confused about why I lied… I tried reaching out to him and explain to him that I should have taken a more direct approach by confronting it instead of asking “Are you ok?” when I knew it wasn’t ok. I handled myself poorly…

What I’ve Learned…

There will be good days and bad days. What I’ve learned is that I had stumbled. I’m not blaming my beloved for the lies to his friends. He didn’t ask me to do so but I did. All I know is that I lied. I cannot blame anyone else for my actions and I’m taking responsibility… It sucks when I do catch others lie. Like this weekend, I caught my dad lie to others from stories that others have told me. That my beloved couldn’t be honest with his friends. That when my mom says that she’s ok with my dad her ex-husband has a girlfriend, that my aunt is also ok with her ex-husband having a girlfriend too… I’ve learned that if it’s ok for other people to lie then that’s on them and I can’t compare myself to them. That my lies are my lies. They’re my own despite of the situation that I’m in.  If I were an alcoholic and my beloved decides to have a drink, I need to tell myself, it’s ok for him to have a drink and for me not to have one.  Overall, I’ve learned that other’s actions cannot influence my own actions. Lies are lies… big or small…

Where Do I Go From Here

I wish life hands you a handbook… a play book. I wish I can see the future. I wish I can just snap my finger and that every thing is ok and I can just tell myself that I won’t have any slip ups. I’ve decided to forgive myself for what I’ve done and do my best not to lie. If I can go for 2 months of not lying, I can do this. From lying constantly before May to lying twice… I will apologize to my mom and my aunt for lying. I know I can overcome this problem… This impulse. From constant lying before May 2013 to 2 lies in 8 weeks. I’m positive I can do this… POSITIVE!

“Lights will guide you home… and ignite your bones… and I will try to fix you…” Coldplay

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STRENGTH

Coldplay

05/16/2013 – PANIC

So it’s been almost a week now since I’ve posted something. I would like to acknowledge some of my followers. I never really expected to have people following my entries and rants. There’s a part of me that feels good because I don’t feel alone… and that there’s a feeling of comfort knowing that I am understood but most importantly, it feels good expressing my emotions and what I’m feeling inside made public also helps me with my ultimate goal: To feel normal and get ME back.

This past week has its ups and downs. Last Friday, my beloved and I sat down and talked about what happened. We both agreed that seeing a therapist together would be beneficial for he and I so we can develop a plan on how we can move forward together.  I honored my body and listened to myself. I was supposed to proctor an SAT exam last Saturday with him but decided to not do it because I wanted to spend time by myself… to gather my thoughts, to meditate, to listen to my body, and to make sure I’m on track. I ended up running a few errands and prepared for Mother’s Day.  So right after he got home from proctoring, we decided to go on a drive down for some lunch, then his post office, then got some grub for a Mother’s Day event that my brother was putting together for us.  The rest of the evening was spend low-key. We really took the time to just hang out, reconnect and enjoy each other’s company.

This past few days have been really hectic. I’ve mentioned that I decided to put my condo that I was currently renting out for sale and coordinated with my realtor.  I also broke ground with my backyard project… something I’ve been dying to do for almost a year now but I needed to save up some money and wait for my tax refund so I can get that done.  It’s coming along good. There’s a huge part of me that’s uber excited to have these two things done. Just a way to cut down on “unwanted noise” and have more free time for myself and my beloved. I have to admit, it’s a bit stressful but I’m focusing on what it would be like when everything is completed. I’m sure I’ll find another project that needs to be done next. 🙂

So this week, one thing I wanted to accomplish is to how to get in-touch with myself again and really understand my feelings and emotions. I have to say, it’s been a challenging week of thinking.  One of the things that I’ve noticed is this “panic” feeling that I have when I’m talking to my beloved. I feel like every time I talk to him, there’s a need for me to tell him EVERYTHING that’s going on with me.  From which client I’m dealing with, to what I have to do for my client, to my grocery list of items that I’d like to tackle.  And where there’s something that I’ve missed or said incorrectly (English is my second language), I feel interrogated… like “wait, a moment ago, you said you texted “so and so” and now you’re said that you spoke with her…” or like this morning when I dropped of oranges to my friends house because they’re going to spend some time with our other friends who wanted oranges and I missed my beloved’s call 3 times… I feel PANIC because I missed his call. That I have to answer his call all the time or respond back to his text right away.  Will this feeling ever go away? This state of emergency…

Plus sometimes when we talk and there’s dead air because I can’t think of anything else to talk about, there’s a part of me that thinks “ok, I’ve been doing all the talking… why can’t you come up with something else to talk about?” Why do I feel the pressure to always come up with things to talk about? And when I can’t think of anything else to talk about and want to end the conversation because obviously there’s nothing else to talk about, why do I feel like an a**hole for ending the conversation?

I guess these are the next topics I have to discuss with my therapist. I really would like to know what I can do to overcome this… It’s so stressful.  Whoever is reading this, it would be awesome if you can offer some advise.

Until next…

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Forgiveness

forgiveness

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05/10/2013 – MADNESS (part deux)

part deux…
Crucify me! When is this going to end? So yesterday, I didn’t quite have the time to go to the beach and meditate and gather my thoughts because I’ve just been so busy with work but thank goodness the rest of the afternoon at work went really well. I got home a little early and decided to take the dog for a nice long walk. I feel that he’s been kinda neglected lately with all of the madness that’s going on. God is amazing because He knew I had a 7 pm meeting and He made sure I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with the pooch.
So my beloved walks in after work and I can just tell this is going to be an awkward evening. We said our hello’s and gave each other a hug. An awkward one. I was actually watching Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday because the episode was about #NoShame. I needed to do this because I figured checking these things out would only help me so why not, right? Plus lately, I’ve been feeling, seeing, hearing signs… That when I listen to Gospel music, it makes me feel good.  That somehow these “messages” are not just happing coincidentally… I’ve asked Him for signs and He’s giving them to me so why not embrace it?  Anyway, the show was over and he sat down next to while and watch the tube for a while as we wait for our friend to come over for dinner. I asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened this morning and he said “We can talk about it later…”  Unfortunately, I had to miss dinner because I have a 7 pm meeting and it’s about 6:15 pm. Our friend arrived and my beloved asks if I needed any food and I respectfully answered “I think I’m good. I’m sorry I can’t have dinner with you guys because I feel like it’s cutting close to my meeting.” He then graciously asks “Are you sure? I can bring something back for you?” and I responded with “Yeah, I’m good.” He opens the door and I know he feels awkward too. She comes over and kisses me on the head. An awkward kiss. But a kiss that tells me he’s trying.  An effort that tells me that he doesn’t know what to do.  So he leaves and I left for my meeting as well.
Meeting with my condo association was short which was good. 🙂 I also told them that I’ve officially listed my condo for sale and they were all sad to hear that I will be leaving but wished me nothing but the best (made me feel good). I then told them that I plan on staying as a board member until my place is officially sold; my commitment to the association and to a place where I once called home.  I was really excited to come home because I wanted to spend some time with my beloved. Got home, saw our friend was at house so we all sat down for a bit and laughed… watching nonsense t.v.  I can still sense the awkwardness in the room. Our friend leaves and my beloved and I decided to watch a few more episodes of the show then slowly moved into the bedroom…
I was exhausted from my day and I can tell he was too… Mostly mental exhaustion because yesterday was full of meetings, client appointments, and non-stop problems… On top of what we’re dealing with at home, all I wanted to do is to sleep, get some rest and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.  As I lay down, I can tell he still wasn’t ok. S***, I wasn’t ok too. But I told myself, “Al-Jay, your heart is telling you to ask him how he’s doing…” so I did. He tells me that he’s ok so I reached out and rested my hand on his shoulder. All I wanted was to touch him, have my skin against his skin.  He usually reaches out and either holds my hand, give it a kiss, or rests his head on it.  No reaction.  I then started hear voices in my head saying “Please God, let this thing go away so we can be better now… Pain, you have no room here… Hurt, you no longer belong here… We will be better. We will be fine… We will overcome this.” After hearing those voices I realized they were my prayers.  I wasn’t expecting a miraculous intervention where angels will start singing or a light from heaving will shine down. All I know is that I hope that these prayers will help fix what’s going on. That it would make him feel better and that it would also make my heart feel less heavy.  I kept reaching out to him because I want him to know that I’m there. I didn’t exactly know what else to do. All I’m doing is what feels natural to me. I wish he could just tell me what he wants.  He gets up and decided to sleep in a different position… The opposite direction. I immediately felt that he was just trying to get away from me… from me touching him… He was there for a few minutes and all I can hear is the irritating song that he was listening too. So I grabbed my iPhone and decided to listen to Jonsi because I needed to get some rest… My beloved gets up and decided to move elsewhere. I laid there for a little bit thinking he’s probably in the bathroom. I did get up to see if he decided to sleep in the other bedroom and no movement there. So I got up and walked around and saw him in the living room laying down on the sofa with his leg up so I asked “babe, are you going to sleep here tonight?” he then tells me “No, I’m just elevating my leg because they’re feeling restless right now.” I asked if he was ok and again, he says he is. So I walked back to the bedroom and discovered my dog on the bed waiting to cuddle… Again, another sign that maybe I just needed to lay down and get some sleep.  So I tried…
Every morning I’m awakened by the pooch either shaking or moving around the bed. I looked over and saw my beloved. I got up to use the bathroom fed the pooch and went back to bed. My beloved greeted me with a “good morning” and I did too.  I then asked if he was ok and he said yes… I went on to try and expand our conversation by asking him if he wanted to talk about what happened yesterday. I appreciated him wanting to talk since yesterday was just totally awkward… The more questions he asked me, the more I felt he was trying to be my own personal therapist which rubbed me the wrong way. He probably wasn’t trying to do that but it felt like it.  Like when he responds to my answers with “ok…” and “uh-huh…” he started to sound like my therapist.  But I kept going on with sharing my feelings.  He asks what’s so different about me this time around because I keep telling him that I’m great. What’s great about me this time around? Here’s the grocery list:
1. I no longer have anything to hide.
2. I feel like I’m on top of an examination table for anyone to look at, dissect… do anything you want
3. I haven’t lied
4. I’ve never been so empowered EVER until now
5. I’m so happy with myself…
6. Actually, I’m proud of myself right now
7. I’m comfortable with myself… Ask me anything you want
8. I’m no longer afraid. Fear is not an option
9. I am realistic and not naive…
10.I only allow goodness but understand that negativity exist however, not allowed to consume me.
The conversation did not end well… In fact, I’m a bit pissed off at myself for ending the conversation. I just felt uncomfortable, uneasy, and mostly irritated. Not at my beloved but because of the situation.  That the words that are coming out of my mouth are not making any sense but the feeling that’s inside me does. I just can’t find the right words to describe what I’m feeling.  When he asked me what’s different this time around, I told him “I’m actually not afraid of losing you… I would be sad… But I’m not afraid.”  Not sure if this is making any sense with the words… maybe “afraid” is not the right word.  I also said that yesterday, I felt that after what happened I said to myself “S*** I don’t have time for this…” and that obviously offended him. My beloved confirmed that it hurt his feelings and that he did not appreciate me saying that.  That he didn’t asked to be put in this situation. But honestly, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was that yesterday was a very trying day. That I had so many things that I had to do that I didn’t want what happened in the morning to consume my day that I’m unable to take care of my clients needs, my employees needs, my realtor’s needs, my HOA’s needs, my personal needs, his needs, everyone’s needs.  That I needed to refocus myself and figure out what needs to be done ASAP.  That my business/clients needs are also important but my beloved’s needs are also important. All I knew what that I had to do something and at that moment, I had to take care of my clients needs because it’s not fair for them to get crappy, half-ass commitment from me.  That’s what I meant. I threw his questions back at him and asked “I feel like I’m doing so many different things for myself, for you, for our relationship… What about you?” the responds “ok… uh-huh…” I continue to ask him “What are you doing?  You know you ‘being here’ is just half of what is needed so what are you doing to help yourself, to help me, or help the relationship…” He again responds “uh-huh…”
So I got up, again, ended the conversation fast because honestly, the grocery list of items kicked in… Take the dog for a walk because it’s fair for him to hold his pee and poop just because of this.  That the laundry that’s piling up in the laundry room needs to be addressed, that the mess in the bathroom needs to be cleaned up, that the guest room where my goddaughter’s parents took a nap at needs to be made, that I have an important meeting at 8 am and it’s 7 already, that I have a huge grocery list of items at work that was not done yesterday because I was in meetings all day long yesterday… Yes, I agree, it probably wasn’t the most productive way but again, I couldn’t be late for my meeting because my team doesn’t deserve it.
I’m not making excuses… I’m simply expressing all of the things that are running through my brain.  The thought that keeps coming back to me that my best friend shared is that “I don’t have to stop everything every time he gets scared. That my beloved is a grown man and not a 5 year old.” She herself was left by her husband and tells me that “she cannot make him stop what he’s doing to ‘fix’ things for her…” She shared that my beloved “makes the active choice to continue working on our relationship (he doesn’t have to…) so he needs to take responsibility for himself.”  that my beloved “is choosing to be in this relationship even though he doesn’t have to…”
I just have so much going on in my head… Maybe this will end up as a three part series… I just know I need to take time away from this to meditate and digest..
Until next entry…
“Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
‘Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.”
Amazing Grace by John Newton
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